December 09, 2008

It's officially the holidays... Part Deux

Today was the first $tarbuck$ peppermint mocha of the year.  I am generally NOT a $tarbucks fan, but I am such a peppermint whore that you will find me in there at least a  dozen times over the holidays.  Particularly after shopping at Target in Clovis with my Mom.  They have an awesome $tarbucks.

Generally, I love the holidays.  The cold weather, fog, smell of pine trees.  It just makes me happy.  The cards and silly decorations.  Like Helen, it looks like Santa Claus threw up in my house most years.

This year, I can barely get up the motivation to finish addressing Christmas Cards.  I still don't have a tree.  The decorations are down from the attic, but they're just sitting in boxes in the front room.

I have no idea where my motivation went, but I suspect it's somewhere up auto-immune creek.  I feel like I am dragging myself through each day, just trying to accomplish what I can.  Without my faithful to-do list, I'd be sunk, as I seem to have no mind or memory for the things I need to accomplish.  Forget meetings and appointments, without my calendar, I'd be MIA all the time.

Even my students and coworkers are noticing the drag.  I'm usually up and about, dropping in to say hello to people, checking up on my students while they're studying.  But for the last several weeks, I've been content to sit in my office and try to work.  Meanwhile, people walk by and ask my what's wrong.  Clearly there is something down.

I mean, it's fucking Christmas.  My favorite time of the year.  The month I spend the other 11 looking forward to.  And I don't seem to be able to give a rat's ass.

I just don't get it.  I should be over the fucking moon, right?  I mean, in the last 6 months I've lost close to 30 pounds and I am down 1-2 sizes.  I have actually been exercising MORE than the recommended amount and LIKING it.  For a while I had more energy and the insomnia was gone and things were good.  Now, the insomnia is a joke, as I could sleep 15 hours a day and still be tired.

Now, before you all tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing, my Rheumatologist knows all about most of this, and I do have a referral to an endocrinologist so we can try to get to the bottom of this.  In February.

Until then, I'm just going to have to keep kicking myself in the ass and reminding myself how awesome life is, and just keep wishing for snow.

I think some snow would help a lot.

Posted by caltechgirl at December 9, 2008 11:38 AM | TrackBack

Look into Seasonal Affective Disorder, too, just in case. :)

Posted by: Lauren at December 9, 2008 12:28 PM

Oh, and congrats on the weight loss! I am so proud of you!!!

Posted by: Lauren at December 9, 2008 12:29 PM

First, congrats on losing weight and your exercise program! Awesome...! I know how tough it is...

Second, I'm right there with you. Can't get into it this year... don't know if I'll have a tree, though I feel like I'd be shortchanging myself somehow if I don't....

Heard the same thing from a lot of people this year. Sure wish the holiday spirit would kick in...

Posted by: pam at December 9, 2008 12:30 PM

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. It's ok to feel that way sometimes though, sometimes you just need to take some time out for yourself, things will get better.

Oh, and congrats on the exercise regime and weight loss, you're doing really well.


Posted by: Amanda at December 9, 2008 01:00 PM

I am sorry to hear that you have the blues.

However, I have a bunch of snow that I can send you. Would 30 semi-loads be enough?

I've already had enough of this %$@&!*$ snow to last me a lifetime and a half.

10 inches we got between Monday night and yesterday afternoon. Add that to the 10 we already had...

So, shall I send along that snow then?

Posted by: Phoenix at December 10, 2008 07:44 AM

I'll take the blame on the lack of spirit. Usually, I am terribly lacking in spirit and just go through the motions for the sake of the MIL and kid. This year: I am full of Christmas cheer. And, frankly, it's freaking me out.

So, there it is: I'm a vortex of cheer that has sucked it away from the traditionally cheerful. My bad.

I think I'll go bake some cookies now.

As for the weight loss: I don't know if I should congratulate you or not, since you posted recently about being annoyed with people who notice. So, I'll just go back to my Christmas cheer.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at December 10, 2008 12:27 PM

weird, I left a comment here earlier, and it's gone

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at December 10, 2008 08:01 PM

Don't hold your breath waiting for that snow.

Posted by: Alan at December 11, 2008 10:44 AM
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