I miss my blog

I came to a realization this morning while driving to work.  Well, a couple of them really.  First, I realized that the time I used to spend reading and writing here is now my drive time.  Back in the day, I'd cruise in to the office before anyone else arrived after a 5 minute commute and then have 30-45 minutes to just read, think, and reflect before getting on with whatever it was I had to do.  Today I spend that time in traffic.  And that's where I do my thinking.  A lot of thinking, or a little, depending on how pissed I get at the news.

The second thing I realized is that I miss writing, and I miss all of y'all. You're good for my blood pressure.  This isn't a promise or a resolution or whatever, just me recognizing that one of the things I've let go of is this, and I want it back.

2010 was a crazy year.  Work was crumbling around me, one of my best friends (though we had been estranged for years) killed himself, and I put myself out on the job market.

As many of you now know, I accepted one of those jobs last Thursday, and I am now preparing to pack it up and move 1500 miles away to a tiny college town in the middle of freaking nowhere.  I don't know if I am crazy, or if I just need drama.  Because seriously.  We have to rent out the house.  We have to buy a new one there.  Hubby needs a job.  I have one, and he doesn't.  I need to pack and move all my shit.  We never wanted to move ever again.

What am I doing?

Actually, I know what I am doing.  I'm healing myself.  I always thought that saying "That took years off my life" was hyperbole of the worst kind, but after 5 years in this job, I now know it to be true.  The stress that I have endured here.  Ridiculous, pointless drama-induced stress.  It has made me sick.  I get it.  It's not just the biochemical effects of stress.  It's the anxiety, the lack of energy, the will to do NOTHING.  Working with idiots saps your will to live.  I am literally too tired to take care of myself.  Some people might call that depression, except I know better.  It's not in my head.  It's in my office.

In the other place, which needs a good code name, by the way, I feel energy from the people and students I will be working with.  I feel appreciated already (and my wallet will, too!), I feel safe.  It's hard to feel safe in LAlaland any more.  I have actual goals and duties, and my job is to work with students and make them successful, which is what I like doing most.

So I am going to try to write more this year, kind of a chronicle of change.  I am excited and scared, and I need y'all's help to get through this and come out on the other side.