May 23, 2008

Life's lessons

You think things are going along just great. You even take a few moments to thank the man upstairs for your blessings, to smell the roses and recognize that life is indeed very sweet.

You think you are prepared. Yeah right. As Brahms says in his Requiem (mvmt. 3),

... in a moment.. a moment... in the twinkling of an eye...
Things change. And you are changed. And it doesn't matter how small or how silly it seems, in the grand scheme, the world is fundamentally altered in that one moment.

It's confession time for me. Over the last week I have again retreated into my personal shell. I've been avoiding you. Well, ok, I've been avoiding everybody. The little house that was finally beginning to feel like my personal retreat had become a place of fear. I didn't want to leave. What if someone came in again, only this time they hurt my babies? I didn't want to stay. What if they came back and came in again anyway? I mean, we did everything RIGHT. Locked the doors, left lights on, left the dogs IN the house, and they still came in anyway. Courtesy of a brick and broken glass. How could we ever be safe again?

But slowly I am walking away from that fear. I mean, first of all it's silly. The laptop and the broken window are already replaced. Hell, I am typing on the new one now. I've never really been upset about either of them, to tell the truth. What tore me up was the thought that my baby Princess might be stolen or hurt. For 15 minutes that night I don't know if my heart was even beating. And that's what has haunted me for the last 10 days. Coming home to no puppies or hurt puppies.

In my rational brain, I'm pretty sure that the dogs scared the righteous f*ck out of the idiots who broke in, since they closed the door to keep them away. And maybe they were too scared to come back. But the irrational side wonders if maybe they'd like to finish the job, and would come back with something that would keep the dogs away. Permanently.

But every day that we are safe I feel a bit better. Mostly I feel stupid for being scared. I mean, we're fine, the dogs are fine, and really, if I am so afraid to lose things, I shouldn't have things, right?

The alarm progress is helping too. I mean, I won't feel 100% better until it's fully installed and working all the time. But knowing that that will be happening soon makes me feel more secure.

How f*cking sad is it that we have to put an alarm on our house? Not because we care about the shit we own, but because we want to keep our babies safe. And they're not even human babies.

I've been through this before, but it didn't bother me as much. Probably because we know who broke into our house, knew it before the cops even arrived to take the report. Maybe that's why I am so scared. I have a terrible fear of the unknown.

Lessons learned:
My dogs are my babies, plain and simple, and I need them BOTH to go on.
The little asswipes can have my laptop. I guess it wasn't so important after all.
I need to stop being so hard on myself. It's the rest of the world that sucks ass.

Posted by caltechgirl at May 23, 2008 02:58 PM | TrackBack

I'm afraid of everything without having been violated. I can't imagine the fear you must feel. I hope the alarm helps, it definitely calms me if even to know I'm safe when I'm sleeping. Things are just things, but still...they were YOUR things, and those darling doggies are your family. No one can blame you for seeking comfort inside your protective shell for awhile.

Posted by: Amanda at May 23, 2008 04:52 PM

being afraid is a natural human defense reaction..nothing to be ashamed of and people who do not know fear are to be feared..they ain't normal.

But it is how we deal with fear that makes who we can control it and it will make you stronger..and if you don't it will definitely drive you nuts.

I would recommend that you find a reputable small arms instructor and learn to shoot a hand gun..and then buy one and keep where you can get at it if someone tries to break in on you. I had rather take the chance of spend five to 10 for manslaughter than I had go early to the grave.

It is a different world out there now..a dangerous one that looks like is only going to get worse..I carry a firearm now for the first time in my life..paranoid? Maybe..but I figure my sweetthing and I are safer..

Posted by: GUYK at May 23, 2008 05:46 PM

Buy a safe at Office Depot large enough for a laptop, money, jewelry and a sidearm while you not at home, a 45 is perfect for any and all neighbor hood problems.

Posted by: GregGS at May 23, 2008 07:56 PM

Hugs to you - I can only imagine. And you know what, I think the fear is normal and healthy - and you're working through it, so that too is healthy and normal.

Posted by: beth at May 23, 2008 08:28 PM

I know what you mean and I think what you are going thru is totally normal. That is some scary stuff! You're doing better than I would be doing if this had happened to me; I'd be a mess-wreck!!!

Do the authorities have ANY idea who this could have been? Keep us informed.

Posted by: c.a. Marks at May 24, 2008 05:16 AM

It's understandable to feel fear.

My cousin was robbed at work 10 years ago, pistol whipped repeatedly. She still has nightmares and cannot bear being alone at home at night. Ten years.

Posted by: wRitErsbLock at May 24, 2008 02:10 PM

Going through my own life changing event recovering from a second surgery after going septic after my hyst. I feel you an recognizing the little things.

Hope you feel better soon.

Posted by: Sarah at May 24, 2008 05:30 PM

Omigod... I hadn't thought of it in terms of your dogs, but you're right.

When I was a boy, I had a dog, and if anyone had ever done anything to her... just thinking of it now, nearly 40 years later, ties my stomach in knots and brings tears to my eyes...

Am keeping you folks, and your dogs, in my prayers.

Posted by: Paul Burgess at May 25, 2008 05:29 AM

How could you NOT feel fear after that violation?

A home security system is a beautiful thing!!!

Posted by: Marie at May 25, 2008 05:39 AM

.... the alarm is a great step in the right direction...... my home was broken into twice while I lived overseas.... I know what you mean about the feeling of violation...

... focus on the positive, I guess..... best of luck to you both...

Posted by: Eric at May 25, 2008 06:03 AM