June 22, 2006

Good Advice!

Fifteen Ways To Avoid A Good Southern Ass Whuppin -

(Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites)

1) Don’t order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It’s just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.  If you confuse them, they’ll kick your ass.

2) Don’t laugh at our Southern names (Merlene, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Laura Jo Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, Perky, Becky Sue, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here.  Down here it’s called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it’s Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-  it’s still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don’t refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we’ll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don’t care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don’t laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you’d be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we’ll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we’ll kick your ass.

8) Don’t order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you’re a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don’t EVER put sugar on your grits, or we’ll kick your ass.

9) Don’t fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don’t talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit, Chicago , and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don’t want to sound like you. We don’t care if you don’t understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying,  and that’s all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we’ll kick your ass.

12) Don’t complain that the South is dirty and polluted.  None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we’ll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don’t ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma’am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they’ll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we’re quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That’s because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we’ll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked).  You’re lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box.. . . Minus your ass.

Clearly this last is the most important!
h/t Gay Patriot Bruce Posted by caltechgirl at June 22, 2006 07:26 PM | TrackBack
Comments

See, this is why I don't go East of Las Vegas any more than is absolutely necessary.

Posted by: KG at June 22, 2006 09:32 PM

Mmmmmm, Waffle House.

Posted by: Deb at June 23, 2006 05:31 AM

These are great tips, I'll have to save them for my trip to Tennesse next month!

Althought number 5 hit close to home. I didn't vote for Keyes just because he was an out of stater.

Posted by: Contagion at June 23, 2006 11:45 AM

These are ALL true, except for #2. I think a Yankee made up that one, because I've known one or two people named "Sissy," but none of the other TV-hillbilly names!
We do have a lot of non-hick double names down here though--Mary Katherine, Mary Elizabeth, Sarah Kate, etc.--and a hell of a lot of last-names-as-first-names, too (i.e. Miller, Hunter, Swift, Stone, Huntington, Smith, etc.). That may just be a local thing, though.

#3 is definitely THE LAW. Say "pop" down here or even "soda" (less offensive), and you're likely to be run out of town. I HAAAAAATE hearing "pop" with a passion!

And they're crawFISH, not "crawdads," unless you're a hick or a Yankee.

Contagion - don't think people are saying you're old or whatever if (when) they call you "sir." It WILL happen, and if a kid forgets to call you "sir" they're likely to get a scolding from their mama or daddy. ;-) And if you've never been down South, don't freak out when total strangers say hello and strike up a conversation. It freaked me out at first when I moved back down here (after 20 years!) because I was like "you I f'in know this person?"

They forgot one thing: NOBODY in the South does this "what are you" (regarding ethnic heritage) sh*t like they all do up north--EVER. We're AMERICANS, and usually have been for many generations. "What are you" means "what religion/church do you belong to" or if in college, it means "what sorority or fraternity are you in."

Posted by: Another 70's Beth at June 24, 2006 07:09 PM