Happy Birthday to You

You know who you are. I hope with all my heart you aren't reading this. That you haven't found my little corner of the net.

The things you did and the monstrous betrayal of our trust have scarred my life forever, regardless of how you justify these things to yourself.

Despite the past, all I have in my heart for you is pity and concern. I wish that I had been able to solve your problems. I wish that I had made you see the self destructive bent you were pursuing. But I know I never could have on my own.

I have learned in the time since then that I am strong, and you can't take that away from me, no matter how much it made you feel better. I have learned that I can't do everything. I can't be mother, sister, friend, therapist. Especially to someone who can not (for whatever reason) face their demons except through a bottle or the barrel of a gun.

But I still love you. You were my oldest friend, the one who knew me inside out for almost 20 years. We used to joke that we were two halves of the same coin, thinking alike and complementing each other's weaknesses. It's hard to let go of that. Some part of me will always miss that. And you, the real you. The sweet one who fed me pudding from a spoon and talked baby talk to the puppy.

Today is your 30th birthday, and I can't help but wish it finds you better than the last I knew of. I wish you love and health and peace.

And if you are reading this, please don't tell me. And don't come back. I'm not ready for you to be in my life.

But you will always be in my heart.