March 16, 2006

Happy Birthday to You

You know who you are. I hope with all my heart you aren't reading this. That you haven't found my little corner of the net.

The things you did and the monstrous betrayal of our trust have scarred my life forever, regardless of how you justify these things to yourself.

Despite the past, all I have in my heart for you is pity and concern. I wish that I had been able to solve your problems. I wish that I had made you see the self destructive bent you were pursuing. But I know I never could have on my own.

I have learned in the time since then that I am strong, and you can't take that away from me, no matter how much it made you feel better. I have learned that I can't do everything. I can't be mother, sister, friend, therapist. Especially to someone who can not (for whatever reason) face their demons except through a bottle or the barrel of a gun.

But I still love you. You were my oldest friend, the one who knew me inside out for almost 20 years. We used to joke that we were two halves of the same coin, thinking alike and complementing each other's weaknesses. It's hard to let go of that. Some part of me will always miss that. And you, the real you. The sweet one who fed me pudding from a spoon and talked baby talk to the puppy.

Today is your 30th birthday, and I can't help but wish it finds you better than the last I knew of. I wish you love and health and peace.

And if you are reading this, please don't tell me. And don't come back. I'm not ready for you to be in my life.

But you will always be in my heart.

Posted by caltechgirl at March 16, 2006 12:24 PM | TrackBack

That was beautiful. I hope that, by writing it, your heart is at peace.


Posted by: Margi at March 16, 2006 11:21 PM

It's tough loving someone's being when their behavior is destructive.

A person who acts out self destructively has no reason to change if they don't ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.

Blogsis, you are a strong person for loving this person, and stronger still for walking away.

Thank you for sharing your pain, and allowing us to see your worth.

I applaude you and admire you.

Posted by: Rave at March 17, 2006 07:05 AM

It's strange how many of us have had a toxic friend. More often than not, cutting that person out of your life is the most difficult thing you can do. Especially when it means losing others around you (my own experience).

And I have to say, you are a better person than I, the "friend" that I cut out is not in my heart and rarely in my mind.

Posted by: KG at March 17, 2006 09:31 AM

You totally scared the shit out of me for a minute there! I was totally freaking out trying to figure out what I had had done... until I read a little more. Love ya!

Posted by: Sharon at March 17, 2006 05:56 PM

Oh boy. So it's not just me with an (ex? old? absent? thankfully gone?) friend like that.

It's been 2 years this month for me. 2 years Since I *finally* made the connection/had the realization that that the 20+ years I had invested into that friendship were gone, and possibly a farce as well.

You wrote about your feelings really well. I have been trying and failing to write about mine for months now. Thanks for sharing your words...

Posted by: Richmond at March 18, 2006 10:31 AM