To the objects of my (dis)affection

You know who you are.

First, for the little twerp in the Chartreuse metal flake Kia Rio with the tinted windows, I know how manly you are. Your sweet little ride is all I need to see to know you are indeed a stud. You even drive like one, thinking you can merge in front of me and cut me off..... See, your POS little KIA has even less to recommend it in the power department than most. Probably just like you. I know all I need to know about your sense of humor, too. You are the funniest human being on earth for cutting back in front of me and riding your brakes. I hope you were laughing too when you got stuck behind that semi.....

Second, for the busy gentleman in the silver Elantra at Costco. I don't know what is so attractive about me that you felt you needed to cut me off to get into the gas station, and then the ultimate was when you laughed at me because my Costco card is demagnetized and I had to get the Costco guy to come help me get the pump to work because you "weren't going to fall for" me asking you to slide your Costco card so that the INCREDIBLY impatient man behind you could get to the gas faster.... I want you to know I am indebted to you forever for allowing me to flip you off as you drove away in your smugness and your cheapass car.